An NHL Christmas List

Yuletide yearnings are not just for the youngsters of the world. NHL teams have needs too. I'm sure that if every GM were to sit down and write Papa Noel a letter, these would be their top items:

Anaheim Ducks: A team cure for schizophrenia. It's truly a terrible epidemic when players on the team are the best in the league some nights, and the worst the very next.

Atlanta Thrashers: A decent center who can keep up with and feed the puck to Ilya Kovalchuk(Santa has repeatedly ignored this request for the past handful of years).

Boston Bruins: Need nothing. They are the most fun team in the NHL to watch, and catching one of their games is like a Christmas present for all of us.

Buffalo Sabres: Craig Rivet to come back off IR. The Sabres are awesome, but are in desperate need of their captain's veteran presence.

Calgary Flames: The ghost of Mikka Kiprusoff's past. The perennially top-5 goalie has been so-so this whole year. Unfortunately, so has the rest of the team.

Carolina Hurricanes: A big defenseman who can strike fear into the hearts of opponents and make the front of the net more than just a sitting area for opposing teams.

Chicago Blackhawks: A taker for Nikolai Khabibulin. He's been the better goalie over newly-acquired Cristobal Huet, but the Hawks seem intent on going with the latter in the long run. With the way the 'Bulin Wall has been playing of late, the Hawks could get that top-flight 2nd line center they've been looking for.

Colorado Avalanche: Nikolai Khabibulin. Pure and simple. Do whatever it takes, short of trading Paul Stastny, Ian Laperriere or Adam Foote (and Joe Sakic goes without saying).

Columbus Blue Jackets: Throw these guys a freaking bone! Almost every major player has been out for some amount of time with injuries. With super-rookie Derek Brassard now out for the season, the liklihood of the Jackets making the playoffs for the first time looks pretty dim.

Dallas Stars: They already gave themselves a christmas present by dumping Sean Avery.

Detroit Red Wings: A private investigator to find where Chris Osgood went. Backup Ty Conklin has looked much better than Osgood during multiple games this season. Also, the Wings need to do themselves the favor of just being done with Chelios.

Edmonton Oilers: Healthy goalies and consistent players. If Santa could just give these guys an extra 5% boost in terms of talent and ability, they'd be awesome.

Florida Panthers: Some SCORING. With the play of Tomas Vokoun and Craig Anderson, the Panthers suddenly have one of the best (if not the BEST) goaltending tandem in the league. They also have the luxury of a sturdy defensive unit(again, one of the league's best). But, to win hockey games, you have to score a few goals, and that's where the Cats are coming up short.

Los Angeles Kings: Goaltender. This team should also be doing everything they can to pry Nikolai Khabibulin from the Hawks.

Minnesota Wild: To trade Marian Gaborik and get something good in return. The chances of him leaving after the season are very likely, so the obvious choice would be to trade him before the deadline and get some real talent (preferably a center) in return. The big question now is if Gabby's injury problems will cheapen his value in the eyes of other teams.

Montreal Canadiens: Someone to teach players that when a team is on the power play, the purpose is to SCORE goals.

Nashville Predators: A market. This has been one of the most consistent teams in the league over the past four years. They are always competitive, but playing in small-market Nashville is really causing financial problems for the team.

New Jersey Devils: Just let Marty Brodeur rest this Christmas. No hurry to rush him back with Scott Clemmenson (who knew?) playing this well.

New York Islanders: Rick DiPietro. I have a feeling just having him back would drastically turn around the fortunes of this team.

New York Rangers: A little more depth. The team is very top-heavy in terms of forwards, meaning their top two lines are formidable. That being said, a couple more talented muckers and grinders on the 3rd and 4th lines would help add some sandpaper to the team.

Ottawa Senators: Some life, and some goaltending. The two actually go hand in hand. Alex Auld has played admirably, but isn't cut out for the starting job, while "starter" Martin Gerber has been a waste. The woes at the goaltending position have sucked the life out of this once-great team.

Philadelphia Flyers: A strong offensive defenseman. Kimmo Timmonen is normally awesome, but has shown he can't carry all the offensive load. Matt Carle may yet to prove he is an early Christmas present, but time will tell.

Phoenix Coyotes: Their super-sophs to contribute. The Yotes are getting 110% from their vets (Doan, Jovanovski, Morris, even Jokinen to a degree), but very little from "future" guys like Peter Mueller, Martin Hanzal, and Daniel Carcillo.

Pittsburgh: Their d-men back. With Gonchar, Whitney, and Gill all out with injuries, the Pens have really had to buckle down. The positive in this is that even their fill-ins have played great, meaning the Pens will have a wealth of tradeable defensemen at the trade deadline and should be able to make a big move (Marian Gaborik, anyone?...).

St. Louis Blues: Like the Jackets, these guys just need a freaking break. Losing projected savior Erik Johnson to an injury before the season has destroyed this team, as has the slew of other injuries, including Paul Kariya, who may now miss the rest of the season.

San Jose Sharks: Uhhh... Nothing. Just sit back and watch this well-rounded team work it's magic.

Tampa Bay Lightning: A re-start for the whole season. The team needs new owners, a new GM, and new players. Drop EVERYONE except Stamkos and Mike Smith (yes, trade Lecavalier and St. Louis) and start COMPLETELY over.

Toronto Maple Leafs: An established scorer. The Leafs have played remarkably well sans an established superstar. If they could sign one big name - preferably a center - it could put them back in the playoff hunt.

Vancouver Canucks: The surprising Canucks could use some offensive firepower from the blueline, and also a healthy Roberto Luongo.

Washington Capitals. A little consistency. If they can get the same effort night in and night out from the whole team, the Caps are suddenly cup contenders.

Balls of Steel Award: Mathieu Dandenault

Mathieu Dandenault might have just done the coolest, craziest thing I have seen this season (besides the now-famous Andrew Ference hit on Steve Ott).

The 32-year-old defenseman, playing in a game against Calgary on Dec. 9, went into the boards awkwardly after being hit by Flames forward Dustin Boyd. Dandenault went down immediately, clutching his right arm. Grimacing in pain, he got up (like a man) and began skating towards the bench... until he realized the puck was not out of his zone. Dutifully, and with that look of pure pain etched on his face, Dandenault took his place in front of the net and kept playing. After about 30 seconds of clearing the crease (and taking some additional cross-check love from a Flames player), Dandenault slowly made his way to the bench and didn't come back.

This in and of itself is not a huge feat; hockey players are famous for playing hurt... But it was later revealed that Dandenault had completely and utterly BROKEN HIS ARM on the play. That's right, a break. Like when you take a stick and snap it in half over your leg. A broken arm. And he didn't leave the ice until his zone was clear. That's sacrifice. That's love for the game. That's hockey epitomized. That's why this sport is the best on the earth: Not because of the game itself, but because of its players.

Dandenault has but two assists this season. His highest point total in the NHL for one season is 25 (with the 2000-01 Red Wings). He is not, nor will he ever be Sydney Crosby or Joe Sakic. But he's one helluva hockey player in my book.

Other things I've been thinking about:

• The Vancouver Canucks beat out the New York Rangers for the Mats Sundin sweeptstakes. I don't care how old this guy is, you get him out on the power play with the Sedin twins and magic will happen. Reportedly, Sundin chose the 'Nucks over the Rangers because it would cause the least amount of dissonance in the locker room. New York, already up to the salary cap ceiling, would have had to make significant roster changes to fit Sundin. Vancouver had plenty of space and would not have to trade anybody to be able to afford him, and that, Sundin's agent said, is why the Swede chose his new team. If that is true, and seeing how Sundin has handled himself over the years I wouldn't deny it, kudos to the man.
• Jonathan Toews is the next Joe Sakic/Steve Yzerman/Shane Doan. He's got the presence to be a true leader in this league.
• There might not be a more fun team to watch right now than the Boston Bruins. Fantastic goaltending, a stingy defense, and a fast group of forwards mixed with grinders who love to muck it up wherever they can. Watching Kessel fly down the ice faster than the speed of sound is just as fun as watching Milan Lucic win a fight purely by throwing more punches than his opponent. He doesn't even care where the punches land, he just throws them blindly until the other guy goes down. Awesome.

Super Joe... Heaven Bless Him

It was reported yesterday that Super Joe Sakic - my favorite player of all time - will be out at least three months after breaking three fingers in a snowblowing accident. Sakic was already out with a herniated disk, and no doubt this additional injury is frustrating for the 39-year old captain who was recently voted by players as the most respected man in the NHL.

What sucks about this? Sakic's injured. After enjoying an entire career without any major injuries, Super Joe has seemed quite mortal the last two years, spending a fair amount of time on the injured reserve list. It probably drives him nuts to not be out there playing with the team.

I do find something in all of this, however, that makes me love Super Joe even more: Sakic, who recently passed Jaromir Jagr as the highest-grossing NHL player of all time (this even after taking pay cuts the last few years to clear up cap room for the team to sign new players) is not above taking care of familial responsibilities. The man freaking SNOWBLOWS his probably enormous driveway! Sure, he injured himself while doing it (I would love to know how), but the fact is, this enormously rich professional athlete is not above throwing on a coat and gloves, trudging outside in the middle of a Denver winter, a doing some chores around the house.

Just another reason why Joe Sakic is my favorite player, and one of my favorite humans, of all time. He's won Stanley Cups, MVPs, Scoring titles, and is currently the longest-serving captain in the NHL... but he's also a husband and father. With all the hubbub about a certain player whose name rhymes with Pawn Savory - not to mention all the other scandals involving athletes from other sports - it's nice to see a guy like Joe Sakic still around.

Me and Bucci, yeah, we're tight

I am a frequent reader of Jon Buccigross, ESPN analyst and avid hockey fan. Every week he does a weekly column at espn.com that I read more faithfully than most of my textbooks. The man is brilliant. If I am ever on the fence about something hockey-related, I usually just turn to Bucci and take my opinion from him. I am never too busy or too tired to read every last word of a Bucci article.

Working at ESPN, Bucci has become good friends with His Greatness, Barry Melrose. His last column addresses that and I thought y'all might like it as much as I did. Keep reading it to find the Barry Melrose interview. Awesome stuff.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/columns/story?columnist=buccigross_john&id=3758465

PS - as the article points out, the Lightning are 1-6-4 since the Melrose firing. They are only going to get worse. Hmmmm.....

The Shnozz Awards

The Avs are having a so-so season this year. Every game it's like the whole team is standing over me, yanking my teeth out one by one. It's ridiculous. It's difficult. They win and lose with the greatest of ease. Sometimes they're the best team in the league, and sometimes I don't think they could win against my team, the Crazy Canucks.

But one thing is for sure, these guys have noses. Of all the teams in the league, perhaps none have better sniffers than do my Avs. It is for that reason I have awarded them the prestigious Thack Shnozz Award (c'mon, they need to win SOMETHING this year).

And here are the top 3 reasons why they are the winners:

#3 Ryan Smyth


Just look at that folks. Stuff has to travel a virtual highway if it ever wants to exit Smyth's shnozz. For those of you from Utah, it's like coming around the Point of the Mountain on I-15. The great thing about Smyth is he's the complete package: Huge nose, great mullet. This picture doesn't quite do him justice, but just check him out in the middle of a game when that mop is all wet and raggedy... It is horrendously fantastic. A true sight to behold. Ryan Smyth is a warrior, and so is his nose.



#2 Adam Foote

Foote's shnoz has sometimes been compared in size to a small country. It is also one of the reasons he manages to hit so hard... He not only uses it to throw a little extra force into his hits, but I hear he has sonar and radar tracking capability packed into that beast. All kidding aside, perhaps no one has earned his bent-up shnozz more than Adam Foote. The crusty defensemen is a horse to play against night in and night out with his physical, in-your-face style. This guy could have taken on Huns, Gladiators, and Hulk Hogan and scared the crap out of all of 'em. I am VERY happy to have him back on the Avs.


#1 Ian Laperriere

Could you really imagine me picking anybody else? Lappy's nose is like a trademark for the Avs. The forward, who claims he's broken the shnoz "6 or 7 times" also said there's no use in fixing it until he retires (because he keeps breaking it). Translation: We shall continue to be blessed by this wonderful piece of art that throws any sense of balance and symmetry off of Lappy's face. The nose is a physical manifestation of Lappy's personality, which is highly comical and outright funny. One of the classiest men in the league (check out any online photo album of Avs charity work and he'll be the first you'll see), he is also one of the toughest players in the league. May his nose continue in all it's glory.

Well Avs, at least you can feel good about something. When Budaj is letting in every puck that comes his way, when Super Joe is doing something ELSE to his back, and when every defenseman on the team goes down with a serious injury, you can can always look to the 2008 Shnozz Awards for some solace.

Avery's Sentence and the Greatest News of the Month...

The NHL announced today that Sean Avery will be suspended for six games and have to undergo anger counseling. How I would love to be a fly on the wall during THOSE shrink sessions.

The obvious question is if six games is too severe. For any other player, yes. For Sean Avery? Hmmm.... Is any amount of time too severe? I think the league was just waiting for a reason to come down hard on Avery, and his off-color, sexist comments provided the perfect opportunity. These six games are a clear message that the NHL is getting sick of this guy. The sad thing is, I doubt Avery even cares. He's in the NHL for one reason: to further his own image. The NHL is his channel to the spotlight, and that's why he still plays. The sad thing is, he's immensely talented and could easily be a star if he cared a lick about the game and his team.

Now, that's what I think the league thinks. What do I think? I don't think the suspension was necessarily warranted. A fine? Maybe. Suspension? Not really. I say let Dion Phaneuf and Jarrett Stoll (the current beaus of Avery's ex-girlfriends) take care of things with Avery on the ice. I'll be looking forward to the next Dallas/Calgary or Dallas/LA tilt for that very reason.

But, this will give him some much needed time off, the perfect opportunity for him to go sew clothes and make designs for his budding line of purses.

IN OTHER NEWS:

His greatness, Barry Melrose, has returned as an analyst with ESPN. He will be joining Matthew Barnaby, and I think the two will make a wonderful pair.

"I am very, very excited about coming back home to ESPN where I have had so many great years," Melrose said in an ESPN statement. "I look forward to analyzing people being fired rather than being the guy fired."

Classic Melrose quote.

Go Mullett!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Avery, Pt. 2

I feel like I may be slightly desecrating the domain of the Thackalanche by filling it with the likes of Sean Avery-ness, but this stuff is just too good to pass up. After meeting with commissioner Gary Bettman last night, Avery issued a formal apology. And by formal, I mean scripted and probably the byproduct of a Bettman threat for a severe suspension if Avery didn't dish out some serious restitution.

The "apology" went like this:

"I would like to sincerely apologize for my off-color remarks to the press yesterday from Calgary. I should not have made those comments and I recognize that they were inappropriate.

"It was a bad attempt to build excitement for the game, but I am now acutely aware of how hurtful my actions were. I caused unnecessary embarrassment to my peers as well as people I have been close with in the past.

"I apologize for offending the great fans of the NHL, the commissioner, my teammates, my coaching staff and the Dallas Stars management and ownership. As many of you know, I like to mix it up on and off the ice from time to time, but understand that this time I took it too far."

Awww, thanks Sean. I imagine he'll be well-behaved for a month or so, before he hatches his next diabolical scheme to get himself some airtime. Because if Sean Avery cares about one person on this earth, it's Sean Avery.

Sean Avery, the League's Favorite 5-year-old

Sean Avery is at it again. The Dallas Stars forward was suspended indefinitely by the league yesterday for comments he made before a game against the Calgary Flames. The comments were directed towards Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf, who is now dating Avery's ex-girlfriend, actress Elisha Cuthbert.

Apparently, the incident happened shortly after a morning skate in Calgary, when Avery called reporters over and told them he had something to say:

"I am really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada," Avery said. "I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. Enjoy the game tonight."

He then walked away, making no further comment about the upcoming game. Avery's antics came early enough for the league to suspend him for that night's game. He will be meeting with league commissioner Gary Bettman today, during which the length of his suspension will be determined.

His Dallas Stars teammates were unhappy, but seemingly not surprised by Avery's comments. Here are some of my favorite quotes from Stars, given after they found out about Avery's comments and subsequent suspension:

Les Jackson, Dallas co-GM

"He embarrassed our team, our city. He embarrassed our owner.Right now, we're pretty disappointed. It's pretty simple. It's totally unacceptable for the Dallas Stars. That's not how we want to be portrayed. It's not how we want people to see us."

Tom Hicks, Stars owner

"I completely support the league's decision to suspend Sean Avery. Had the league not have suspended him, the Dallas Stars would have. This organization will not tolerate such behavior, especially from a member of our hockey team. We hold our team to a higher standard and will continue to do so."

Marty Turco, Stars goalie

"Hopefully, he doesn't back down. He better show up like a man. But we expect that out of him like we have all year and the show continues."

Brad Richards, Stars center

"It's none of my business what he says and I'd rather not talk about Sean. He's got his own thing going on."

Brett Hull, Stars co-GM and Avery's former teammate in Detroit

"More than anything, he's let his teammates down. That's the worst part of it. It's basically a fundamental -- you don't embarrass the team and you carry yourself with class and good character. I've told him before, there's more to the game than just lacing up the skates. There are things you have to be accountable for."

Sounds to me like the team, particularly the players, have had enough with Avery. The Stars are off to their worse start in years, and it's hard to not put some of the blame on Avery, who was the only major change from last year's roster. Night in and night out, his antics not only embarass himself, but his teammates as well, prompting players like normally mild-mannered Mike Modano to openly criticize him. His actions, which he proudly calls "walking the line" really portray him as a whiny five-year-old. Does he really think he acts like a man with all his crap? He looks like a squeeling kid. He's living proof that one player can ruin an entire team.

Were his comments about Phaneuf that bad? Not really. I'm sure Mr. Phaneuf won't lose too much sleep over it. My biggest issue with Avery is his lack of accountability and respect for the team's he plays for. If you want to be an idiot, so be it; but don't do it at the expense of your teammates or the organization. Game after game, season after season, Avery pulls these stupid, selfish moves that get him bad penalties and suspensions. All of these hurt the team. On the ice, he leaves his team down a man, often getting kicked out and leaving a hole on the bench for the rest of the night. Off the ice, he disgraces the team that has payed him millions of dollars to come play for them. They are giving him a roster spot that another player rightfully deserves and would certainly respect.

Sean Avery is the complete opposite of a team player. He does not respect anyone, especially the teammates he is supposed to be fighting beside. He's the most selfish, self-centered player in this league. I sincerely hope the Dallas Stars severely address this issue with the toddler they have on their team.

PS - The Stars beat the Flames without Avery in the lineup...